impostor syndrome and Rocky Horror

Blogging isn't happening much for me these days. Too beat, too convinced my life isn't important. I don't feel like I'm depressed most of the time, but then again, I act like it. Maybe I just need a change.

Impostor syndrome's hitting me pretty hard, right now. I've been planning to write up a resume and start looking for jobs for months; it hasn't happened. When it comes down to it, I can write myself up however, but I never feel like it'll be good enough, really good enough. Like, how do I sell this weird kid to normal people? It's not a new feeling, but every time someone slips on pronouns, or I get a grade that's lower than I had expected, or another friend falls out of touch, it gets a little stronger. I'm not sure whether I'm more afraid people will find out about me, or that I'll find out that they already know, or worse still, that they know better than I do. That they know I rehearse everything I say and still get half of it wrong, because my social skills are fake. That they'll realize I'm not really a good student, not that bright after all, not worthy of my scholarship money or of being at the university at all. That when they're thinking oh, it's that weird girl who wants to use a boy's name they've got the right picture, and I the wrong one, after all.

( Believe it or not, this links in to a discussion of Rocky Horror. )