at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Legend of Korra, Episode 6 (yeah, so I'm stuck one week behind).

Spoilers! )

Filled out my sample ballot today with baby sister, who is voting for the first time. Very exciting and, with California's new open primaries, quite a lot of work. I'm reasonably confident on my selections though.
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Stuck a week behind on Legend of Korra thanks to school + Nick putting up episodes online considerably after they air. This means I only this weekend saw last weekend's episode (#5). Actually, we hadn't seen #4 yet either. My non-spoilery thought on the whole thing is that Lin Beifong is totally fandom!Snape (you know, the one who isn't mean, just misunderstood) and I need to either stop coming up with Harry Potter/Legend of Korra crossovers or actually start writing them:

This week, Snape and the Chief complain about these nasty brats who think they're so awesome when really they're nothing special! Next week, we find out part of the nature of the Chief's grudge against Korra as relates to some prank Tenzin played on her when she was a kid! After that, flashback to Iroh and McGonagall having tea while Dumbledore and Aang make cakes together and Katara and Hermione get into an epic argument over the most efficient way to divide chores, but unite in their common frustration when Toph and Ron goof off instead of doing their fair share!

...goddammit I'm supposed to be writing research papers right now.
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Recently I have been happy because:

-Two weeks after breaking my glasses, I finally made it in to the eye doctor's to order new ones. Started looking at frames and mentioned I was angling for the Harry Potter round type (I like 'em, they make me look right nerdy) and the eye-doctor-helper immediately said "oh, then you have to look at these" and that is how I am getting nice new Harry Potter style glasses so I can look like Harry Potter again. Breaking my old pair sucked, of course, but I'm excited to be getting new ones after about seven years of the old pair.

-Speaking of Harry Potter, I finally got a new copy of Prisoner of Azkaban, which is keen because we were actually missing a whole section of our old copy.

-Also I now own the first three Mark Reads Harry Potter books in physical form. Wow, I sound like such a consumerist type, but Mark is awesome and I want to support him, okay?

-I SAW MY BROTHER AGAIN YESTERDAY. (Clarification: I mean my brother-in-all-but-blood, "twin" brother, friend since we were both five years old.) We spent about five and a half hours talking and walking around and I love that after a long period of not even really communicating directly with each other we can just do that. Happy-making. (Incidentally, "bro", if you're reading this, I looked up pertinent and impertinent and why they're not antonyms and it turns out pertinent used to also mean appropriate. Fascinating stuff.) (Yes, this is the sort of thing my family, including adopted members thereof, discuss regularly.)

-I am, like, meeting people in meatspace and socializing with them in other contexts! Admittedly today it was someone I'd met online, but that looks like a potentially excellent network-expanding connection, so I am optimistic that I can, in fact, has social life.
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Best idea for a crossover fanfic/piece of fanart EVER:

Professor McGonagall and Uncle Iroh sit down for a nice cup of tea together and THE UNIVERSE IMPLODES FROM OVER-CONCENTRATED AWESOMERADNESS.

Y/Y?
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Timeline here:

All about me on Pottermore! )

So, yeah, this is what I was doing instead of arranging to visit with my best friend for the first time in, like, a year as I'd meant to....
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I am back and ready to fight even more injustice! Woo!

Post still to come: what I saw at the border and why I am really really angry with what is being done in my name there. Short version: we need the wall down, NAFTA gone, subsidies for corn in the US drastically reduced, and a shift from thinking about ourselves as two separable peoples into recognizing the reality that we are all humans together. One humanity, one world, one love.
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
I figured I'd better update in some way since [personal profile] rattenmaus actually contacted me the other day to make sure I was all right -- that last post I guess was a bad one to leave off with. I'm all right. I'm flying out tomorrow morning at waytoofuckingearly o'clock for a week out-of-state. I will miss the Legend of Korra premiere, boo. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about.

I'm here to talk about Trayvon Martin. Most of you've probably heard about him, by now; if you haven't, here's an article from the Beeb to help you get the basics on him. I basically -- I signed the petition, I mean, I had to do that much -- I couldn't really think much beyond thinking about his little brother, and how wrong it all is, and why does this stuff happen? And, I'm afraid, "of course it was Florida".

Other people were saying things I thought were more valuable than anything I could say, anyway, and a lot of it was landing in my inbox. The President of the United States' response to a question about Trayvon nearly made me tear up. In Twitterland, Cher was incoherently but eloquently drawing parallels between her son Elijah and Trayvon, Nichelle Nichols was spitting nails -- and Nichelle Nichols is the sweetest person alive, okay -- at this dude called Geraldo Rivera for blaming Trayvon's hoodie. Wait, hoodie?

Okay, so I'm not super observant about these things, but I'm pretty sure where I come from hoodies on teenagers aren't symbolic of anything but being teenaged. All the white high schoolers wear hoodies, as do my fellow private university students. Girls wear hoodies, boys wear hoodies, I wear the only hoodie I own and think to myself "damn, I look pretty good in a hoodie, I should get some others" -- some hoodie types might be class indicators, but not much. Grown men in hoodies, now, a bit more coded -- if he's got a hoodie and a baseball cap on at the same time he's almost assuredly a Mexican immigrant -- but kids? Nah. So I hear that hoodies are criminal clothing and I'm completely baffled. And I now want to wear one at all times, because it'll either give me such a bad-boy look that my incredibly boring behavior will be balanced out or help neutralize the image of the hoodie in American society.

I just don't even. I want to scream from every rooftop in the nation, over and over: I do not consent to have others' blood and tears shed to protect my status as a white American. I don't want privilege at that price. I want to say "no" and of course it's not that easy, is it? But that's all I have.

I'm sorry, Trayvon. I'm sorry.

epilogue

Mar. 10th, 2012 02:10 pm
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
And now I'm to "if hurting so much is normal and healthy, what am I going to do for the rest of my life?" and the first ever time I've had, for even an instant, the question of whether it's even worth living.

Fuck. Glad I've got that follow-up, I guess.

MOAR SPRINGSTEENS NAO.
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
I went in for counseling yesterday. Actually, if I'm being honest, my sister went to school with me and made sure I didn't wuss out, to the point where when I was standing outside the door trying to talk myself out of going in and making the appointment she stood there with her arms crossed and told me if I'd just walk in and do it she'd accompany me on one errand of my choosing after, and I finally steeled myself and walked in and was told I'd better just take the 3:00 appointment because they're so booked up otherwise, etc. so that rather than just making the appointment and walking out I found myself sitting in the waiting room wondering how I'd explain myself to this strange person the school was paying to take care of me.

Anyway, I did it. He told me I didn't meet the criteria for depression and what I'm feeling is a very normal, healthy reaction to living in an oppressive system, and what we need to work on is how I deal with it. I came out smiling -- I actually did -- and with another appointment for next week. I mean, the guy knows nothing about trans* stuff, but he's quite well-informed about discrimination (minority himself) and very empathic, so it was helpful to get his opinion. We'll see how it works out going forward, but right now I am much more optimistic than I was.

Then we went on my one errand (record store, about five seconds because what we were looking for was prominently displayed in the front of the store) and went out for completely unhealthy edible stuff, and when we made it home it was way later than we'd planned and I was blasted -- went to bed early, as a matter of fact -- but the sense of accomplishment, that I did everything I needed to for the whole week, that was incredible.

And. And. You guys, the new Springsteen album: spoilers and song lyrics cut. )

rambling on

Mar. 6th, 2012 03:11 pm
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Sooner or later, the Internet provides, even if what you're looking for is a support group for queer and queer-friendly physicists. All hail the mighty Internet!

I keep thinking I'm coming out of the fog and then I have a downswing again. I made a very general post asking for prayers on a Quaker email list, got overwhelmed by the sheer number of supportive responses I got, and haven't responded to any of them. I'm listening to Dire Straits, which I tend to do when I'm not happy at all, and reading Harry Potter with something bordering on obsession.

I mentioned to my sister the other day that I kind of wish dementors were the cause of depression so I could make it better by eating chocolate, and then thought "I'll bet I'm the first person in the whole world to wish dementors of all things were real" only given the size of HP fandom you never know. I'm missing being in that fandom sometimes these days -- I mean, I was kind of a horrible person in a lot of ways, back then, and I'm ashamed of a lot of it, but I miss my friends and belonging to that huge community of people, thousands of members and hundreds active, bound together by our love for the books. Re-reading OotP reminds me why I left, though; Harry really is an unpleasant character in that one, and it's a downer. I don't know. I'm not sure it's good to be reading those books while I'm depressed, but as I said, it's like an obsession. Kind of like when I was sixteenish, actually!

I need a new copy of PoA -- mine's worn out. Thinking if I do my duty by school this week, and especially if I actually make an appointment to see a shrink, I'll reward myself with that and the new Springsteen album, which I desperately need. Have I ever mentioned, Internet, that I idolize Bruce Springsteen? He's, like, my image of the constructively masculine, whether that's reasonable or not. And the new album sounds awesome -- I've heard most of it in promotional streaming format -- so I'm really excited about it.

Yeah, I don't know where this post is going, or where it started come to that.

There's rather a lot of people who love me, and I almost can't handle it, and I'm going to be okay but I'm not sure how yet. Taking this day by day, maybe even hour by hour....

"8"

Mar. 3rd, 2012 10:13 pm
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
FYI for anyone who's interested: the play "8" premiered in Los Angeles today and is now available to watch online; here's a link, skipping the pre-show show and starting at the 30-minute mark in the full two-hour video.

My thoughts:

Lot of good acting there -- I couldn't decide who I liked best, though I'm leaning towards Jane Lynch's delightfully over-the-top odiousness. A bit disappointed by how limited George Takei's part was, honestly, but he sure made effective use of his time in the spotlight. I was also a bit disappointed that we didn't get any of the ruling, just the case itself, though I understand why -- the scene in the courtroom is what the proponents managed to keep from getting out, so that's what they wanted to show. Wish the cast had been off script. (Takei was, but he had so few lines....) Excellent job compressing the whole trial into a watchable format while making sure to show most of the critical portions; could've had more on the animus question but I get the sense the target audience is not in need of convincing on the merits of the case.

It was surprisingly entertaining, especially given that I've been so depressed over just thinking about Prop. 8 lately. Not sure why this didn't trigger more of that, but I'm not questioning a positive development.

Religion warning )
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Five things and people that have made me smile through the depressive fog recently:

1) My family.
2) [personal profile] rattenmaus. Seriously, thank you.
3) Mark Does Stuff (currently amusing me vastly with his Lord of the Rings reviews).
4) Ellen DeGeneres. I am seriously becoming an Ellen fanboy over here, and it's mildly embarrassing but mostly cool.
5) Legend of Korra promos. If that thing streams online as it's airing on TV, I will be ridiculously happy, but if it doesn't -- well, I'll have to scrounge the money for the DVDs either way because that thing is going to be perfection.

Poco a poco se va a mejorar todo.
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
I'm pretty sure I need to get help to stop being paralyzed by fear all the time.

Getting help requires interacting with a strange human being.

Thinking about interacting with strange human beings scares me into a state of paralysis....

rglhtnhh

I hate this.
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Dear Internet, I'm angry. Sometimes it feels like I'm always angry, now, when I'm not being just kind of down and out.

It's Prop. 8, Internet, that's doing this to me. )

Today I took my little brother to school, and my mum asked me if I would pick up some bagels on my way home. I talked myself out of it because I was afraid, not of anything in particular, just of interacting with strange humans. I can't even buy fucking bagels without having a panic attack any more, you guys. This is not how my life should be.
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
Blogging isn't happening much for me these days. Too beat, too convinced my life isn't important. I don't feel like I'm depressed most of the time, but then again, I act like it. Maybe I just need a change.

Impostor syndrome's hitting me pretty hard, right now. I've been planning to write up a resume and start looking for jobs for months; it hasn't happened. When it comes down to it, I can write myself up however, but I never feel like it'll be good enough, really good enough. Like, how do I sell this weird kid to normal people? It's not a new feeling, but every time someone slips on pronouns, or I get a grade that's lower than I had expected, or another friend falls out of touch, it gets a little stronger. I'm not sure whether I'm more afraid people will find out about me, or that I'll find out that they already know, or worse still, that they know better than I do. That they know I rehearse everything I say and still get half of it wrong, because my social skills are fake. That they'll realize I'm not really a good student, not that bright after all, not worthy of my scholarship money or of being at the university at all. That when they're thinking oh, it's that weird girl who wants to use a boy's name they've got the right picture, and I the wrong one, after all.

Believe it or not, this links in to a discussion of Rocky Horror. )

for Alina

Jan. 5th, 2012 06:17 pm
at_sign: The hero from the Quest for Glory series of computer games. (Default)
This is a hell of a first post to make anywhere. It's a crosspost, and a personal one at that. I want to make it anyway, however, so I'm just going to post it -- I don't think there's any background necessary, at least.

This post is about ethnicity, race, and family legends. It's about a plucky kid detective trying to solve a mystery, and succeeding just enough to find more questions. I'd like to dedicate it to the soul of Alina Bayer, who at the age of eight was murdered by the Nazis, and whose identity and life are possibly the biggest mystery of the whole tale. From that you can probably figure out that this is a Holocaust story. Proceed with caution. )
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